It’s unusual for me to be aware of my mood cycling as it happens, but I had not been awake for more than half an hour this morning when I realized I had cycled from manic to depressed. It seems as though I had been very manic for a very long time. It is almost a relief to be past that, though it also sucks to feel like something that was dragged from the sort of wreckage pictured.
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It seems as though people associate depression with sad emotions but it really isn’t that way for me. It’s much more about being tired and listless and not wanting to go anywhere or do anything, in contrast to the manias when I’m just unbelievably energetic and enthusiastic and always ready to take on or start up a zillion new projects. I sleep 12 to 14 hours then wake up tired and mostly just want to go back to bed all day. I have an errand that I need to run this afternoon, but honestly I’m unsure if I will be able to force myself to get up and go do it.
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I did go run the errand yesterday. Two hours of driving in the rain. Came home and felt exhausted and slept another 12 hours last night. It’s not the sleeping so long that makes these depressions so debilitating. It’s how tired and lifeless I feel even after the long sleep. Part of me knows that the long stretches of sleep are needed to make up for all of the hours and hours and hours that I stayed up– as long as 72 hours– when I was so hyper and manic. But the lack of energy and the wanting to just crawl in a hole and hide is certainly a drag.