When It Rains…

Image by David Simmer II. Used under a creative commons licesnse.

So I woke up  feeling awful,  stumbled to the coffee pot,  then asked Ron,  “Did you see if it was a bus or a truck?”   He hadn’t of course,  my kitty said he was too busy directing traffic.   At first I felt certain that I’d been run over in my sleep.   Surely,  this is how mud feels when it’s been pressed down and compacted in a huge tire track.  Some days, it seems,  really are meant to teach you to count your blessings and remember that it can always be worse.

No sooner had I started doing an image search for ‘muddy tires’  than  I received a sudden, urgent summons to the bathroom.   Honestly?   I have always been diarrhetic.    Over the years I’ve heard of course about people who suffer from constipation,  though to me the idea of being able to wait several days before having to evacuate one’s bowels sounds quite appealing.    I believe I lost about ten pounds in the bathroom just now.

I find myself wishing today that I had diarrhea of the mouth rather than the other kind.   If only I could wax eloquently about feces for a third paragraph.   It would keep this post to one topic.    I’m sure Erma Bombeck could pull it off and have everyone rolling in the aisles on this third graph.  Sadly,  while I  can often make people laugh,  I find it almost impossible to just write something funny if that is what I have set out to do.    I really do envy my humorist friends who can crank out post after post with a minimum of one belly laugh and three giggles per paragraph.  On the other hand,  if medical science ever advances to a point that I can trade my runny bowels for a lesser sense of humor…..I am SO signing up for that.


31 comments on “When It Rains…

  1. Reminds me of the slogan for Morton Salt based in Chicago. “When it rains it pours”
    This is really pretty funny. 7:30 in the morning on Wednesday March 14th, 2012 and I already learned something new and important at the same time having a good laugh and doing this so early in the morning. Thanks a lot Libdrone!

  2. “Some days, it seems, really are meant to teach you to count your blessings and remember that it can always be worse.” — This has made my day. Today the 14th March 2012 – there is an 8hr power cut summer is in business is not taking me where it should BUT here comes your write-up and in a simple humorous way tell it like it is.
    “What I want to do is to make people laugh so that they’ll see things seriously.” William K. Zinsser — You done just this … Btw got to go now … Got my own summons now 🙂 kiddin … And now finishing the way you wouldn’t like it — Great read. Thanks 🙂 🙂 🙂

  3. The year of the 1997 during my university life suddenly few students become sick due to diarrhea!! Its started around 6:00AM with in 9:00 AM each and every student got sick those who taken Hall Dinning food!! Around 90% out of 1200 students was sick and all are moved to hospital and that was really a terrible. Thanks for the article !!

  4. I am no stranger to what you speak of 🙂

    Many a Day sitting on floor of my bathroom while my daughter went through yet another bad “Run” in every sense of the word.

    Crohn’s Disease will either make you “Bolt” or make you “Beg” God to please deliver whatever has decided to take up residence in your intestines.

    You have my Empathy my friend.

  5. Hi Alan, have you had your bowel X-rayed? You may in fact be constipated, strange as that sounds, and the fluid is what is passing around the blockage. My mother had this diagnosis only recently and the situation appears to have been resolved through a new medication.

    • What I need to do is get my diabetes under better control. If I can get myself to eating right and taking the right meds, my stomach problems will be minimal.

  6. How do you follow a ’shit’ post like that?

    I recently ate some prawns past their best before date and they had a similar effect. In fact I thought I was going to turn inside out. Drinking the advised ‘lots of water’ only served to send me running even more often to the loo – sorry bathroom.

    We have, let’s say, some odd phrases to with the desire to visit the bathroom to ‘point Percy at the porcelain’ is a male peeing and ‘pebble dashing the pan’ is to have diarrhoea although a similar effect can be obtained by eating too much liquorish. Pebble dashing is a surface treatment for the outside of brick houses that involves spraying on a mix of cement and stones do you have this over the pond?

    Our European friends in Holland have taken ‘point Percy at the porcelain’ further to heart and you can often find a print of a fly on the urinal to use as a target.

    I had to resort to Google to find out who Erma Bombeck was her Wikipedia entry paints her as an American legend.
    It hasn’t rained here today in fact it’s been rather pleasant weather wise.

    I know you love cakes so maybe tomorrow will be an opportunity to put back some of that lost weight with the indulgence of a brownie or two.

    Get well soon!

    • Ok. Here is the prettiest brownie I could find for you, Jon 🙂 And it’s always nice to be reminded that you do not suffer alone in this world, as much as you may value your privacy in the loo 🙂

  7. wow, thats graphic..ish. This post could be cleaned up and convey the same message. I hope you feel better, don’t stress yourself out over your blog and you wont get a sour stomach.

    • Ron warned me that it might cross the line for some readers and if it was too graphicish for you, I apologize. Was mostly trying to make lemonade from a ……difficult morning.

  8. I was taken a bus ride across western China a few years back. Now the buses in China are not bad. I would rate most of the even our above the American company greyhound. The one thing problematic about them is they are equipped with squat toilets housed in a tiny space meant for a slender Chinese person not a 6 foot 250 pounds plus American. There was no way I was fitting in there.
    Ok I am tooling down the Silk Road when I start to feel a rumbling in the gut. This was not good as for all intensive purposes I did not have access to a loo. Then as manna from above the bus pulls off the road for a meal break. By the time the bus stops I have reached critical mass. With what I am feel may be my last breath I shout to the bus drive “se so Jen” the Chinese equivalent of where is the F’ing bathroom. I am shown to a wooden outhouse behind the building.
    I am told by the owner of this fine eating establishment to wait before I enter the crapper…..WAIT! Sorry I scream in Chinese and place my hand on the door handle. I look over to see the owner pistol in hand looking at me in utter disbelief. I open the door to see a rat the size of a Volkswagen perched upon the hole that may very well save my life. The rat retreats into the muck. Now I have a dilemma. The owner motions me aside and steps into the outhouse. Pistol in one hand flashlight in the other he squeeze off a round it to fecal abyss. Well when you got to go you got to go.

  9. My oh My a little too personal as they say. But I can so relate. I am lactose intolerant which basically means that if I eat anything that contains it, I find myself in the bathroom suffering from terrible cramps and the aforementioned problem. This will happen within 20 minutes of of consumption. It has been this way since I was born, so no I have not “grown” out of it.
    It is combined with a problem of irritable bowel and yes, I feel the same way, can lose a few pounds in a few minutes. Stress has always been an issue for the IBS, so I know that and try to maintain a pleasant attitude.
    Take care and know you have those who can relate.

    • Michelle,

      I’m constantly thinking about just how much to share as I write these pieces. My blog is really about writing, and indie publishing, social media and Empire Avenue and living with bipolar disorder in a very imperfect health care system. I don’t write about the same things every day. I will confess that bacon and feces are usually sure fire traffic and comment draws and I am just a little bit enough of a traffic and comment whore to regularly dish out a little red meat for the carnivores. So to speak 🙂

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