Moving Along To Family

Ron and I have a small number of friends who are so close and dear to us we refer to them as family. Ethan Mordden talks about something similar in his books though in Mordden’s world the families of gay men seem to extend only to other gay men, whereas our own “family” of dear friends includes a straight couple whom we are very close to and love dearly.

We know and see Lots of people and most of them are never going to make the cut to becoming family. And if I were to introduce Ron to an old friend and add simply “and he is family” after providing his name, Ron would immediately know the stranger before him was somebody very important to me, to be welcomed most warmly.

And the last few days when I have Not been reading any books or writing any blog posts about them I have been learning some lessons in friendship from my husband and from a good friend who is well along the road to becoming real family to us.

It could have been a nightmare. Thursday afternoon in my living room a friend said something to me that was intended quite innocently but which offended me very greatly. And from the moment my huzband saw as our visitor did not that I was utterly furious and doing my absolute damndest not to let it show, my dear sweetie efficiently moved into what he refers to as damage control mode.

My instinct of course was to try to hide my outrage and get the man of out my house and not let him see how offended I was, because I knew deep down that the remark I had taken such intense offense at was never meant as an insult. But the thing is, I am not good at hiding my feelings. When I was a supervisor at Sprynet it really got me into trouble once. I was very unhappy and pissed off about a something that happened at work and it was very obvious to every person I dealt with how unhappy and pissed off I was because no matter What words came out of my mouth Anyone who could see my Face would know immediately how peeved I was. For better or for worse I am Not good at hiding things.

But I actually might have pulled it off. I vividly remember sitting here moments after I took offense typing an IM (to another friend who is also moving along the road to becoming family) that “I am laughing and typing fast and the guy across the room has no idea I loathe him at this moment”. And privately to me, Ron agreed of course that we ‘must try to hustle him out of here before you explode’ and yet inexplicably insisted on detaining our friend until such time as I just could not hold it in (I’m told the tone I gave to the words “yes, it’s been busy” scorched the ceiling) and we ended up having a Major Scene.

I hate scenes. Everybody hates scenes. They’re ugly, they’re messy and they hurt. But my huzband, who in this installment is playing the wise director knows that sometimes you have to actually go ahead and Have a scene if you are to work things out and go on being friends.

It’s been a tense and emotional three days. There have been a whole bunch of calls and emails. And we’ve just come back from dinner at our friend’s place. We had a great time and I think what we all felt most was relief that we’re still friends. And having done the emotional heavy lifting of actually learning how we had quite unintentionally hurt each other very badly, we have moved with him a big step along the road to being family.

By Libdrone Posted in Alan Tagged

13 comments on “Moving Along To Family

  1. Sometimes a scene is needed, especially when someone had no idea what they did had caused you harm. It sounds like you guys are piecing the friendship back together and that’s a good thing. Best of luck to you!

  2. At first I thought I knew where this was going. Where I am from, If I introduce someone to my partner (Still can’t be my “wife” here legally) and I said “He is family” she would know he was LGBT. he was part of our rainbow family in the grand scheme of things – not necessarily someone I was totally enamored with. After moving, saying that prompted people in our new locale to ask questions like “Oh, your brother? Well I kinda see the resemblance…” Now I’ve had to learn that where we are they would be “Members of the tribe.” But onto your situation…

    I’m the type of person that does what my shrink calls “storing my pennies.” Each anger moment is a penny. I tend to take those “pennies”, place them in my imaginary anger jar and get through the moment with a smile. It was a habit born of professional necessity when I was in a career where gay jokes, slurs and homophobia were not only accepted, they were used as training motivators. Times were different some 25 years ago or whatever it was. Anyway, eventually my anger jar couldn’t hold one more penny and I’d blow like Vesuvius. Molten batsh*t crazy all over the place.

    It took being with someone, who like your huzband, started tricking me into having mini-eruptions to clear the air and get everything settled rather than those moments where I turned into the Kracken or some similar creature and rampaged. Doing that made me feel better. it improved the relationships I had, and it saved countless innocent souls caught in the aftershocks of my wrath. It’s not easy having a scene, it’s not pleasant. It sure can make the road to repair a lot smoother once the dust settles though.

    • Mandy– be sure to visit my post that will be coming out (pun intended) around 4pm Pacific time today 🙂 Anger is an issue both Ron and have struggled with and continue to struggle with all of our lives. And just for today I am writing about my life and my family and anybody who doesn’t like it….can go fuck themselves 🙂

      • I shall be there with bells on. More likely pajamas, but maybe I can swing some bells if I wear the cat collar….

    • Ron is definitely keeper, Karen. The guy who moved on to family when I first wrote this back in 2007? Was not. He ended up filed in both of our @sshole files not too long after I first posted this entry. We don’t see or hear from him at all anymore, though occasionally I pick up a little dish about him from other friends. Thanks so much for participating in my little demonstration of the value of old blog posts 🙂

  3. This week I found out how narrow-minded and ugly the world is, once again, in my new experience of it as a bisexual woman partnered with a lesbian – in a situation where the word family was twisted to exclude us in a very hurtful way.

    Long story short – horrific car accident. Me taken to one hospital against my will, 10 year old son with broken arm routed to another!!!

    Panic. Son’s hospital calls elementary school where my partner is listed – and has always been listed – as emergency contact. School principal decides my partner is not family and opts not to call her.

    Result: My son spends 4 hours alone and terrified and I finally arrive at THAT hospital to be greeted by no less than THREE social workers demanding to know why I do not have an emergency contact on file with the school.

    Rage. I can’t even find words. What happened to best interest of my child? Wouldn’t it have been better to have someone he knows, loves and trusts beside him? What, did they think my pervert girlfriend was going to race over to the hospital and molest my son in the hospital bed? Because, you know, those GAYS….

    Principal’s reaction: “Oh, well, you know – we just didn’t think it was APPROPRIATE…”

    I could literally strangle the self righteous, bigoted twunt with my bare hands right now.


    • Grace, thank you so much for saying, so much more eloquently than I ever could have why this post and the one I will be publishing later today REALLY matter, even to my most open-minded friends who think the fact that they know and love a handful of fags and dykes means they’ve conquered the gay rights thing. OMG. I wrote about taking off my Act Up button and here I am coming out on my blogs for umpteenth time. Plus ca meme chose, my friend.

  4. Hi Alan,
    Thanks for your response to my comment. So glad Ron is a keeper. That is awesome. I have to say I am really enjoying your blog. Meeting you has been one of the high spots of joining #EAV. Have a wonderful week and keep these wonderful pearls of wisdom embedded in your blogs coming.

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